Is That Sh*t in Your Pocket? When Calling Out Family Dysfunction Makes You the "Black Sheep"
- Jerusalem Brown, LPC, NCC
- Jan 1
- 6 min read
Updated: Jan 28
Imagine this: One of your parental figures walking around with literal mess in their pocket—yep, shit, and it’s wrapped up like they’re trying to hide it. You’re the one who notices. You smell something off. You see something bulging in their pocket, and finally, you can’t help but ask:
"Are you carrying shit in your pocket? I smell it. I see it."
Instead of owning up, they act offended. “What?! That’s ridiculous. Why would I carry shit? There you go again, making things up!” And just like that, you’re the problem. Suddenly, it’s not about the hot, stinking mess in their pocket—it’s about you. You’re too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too nosy. They flip the script so fast that you start questioning yourself.
Sound familiar?
For many of us, especially those of us who’ve been labeled the "black sheep," this is everyday life because, for many of us, it’s the painful reality of being the scapegoat in a family system that thrives on secrets and dysfunction. We're the ones who see the dysfunction, voice it, and—ultimately—get blamed for recognizing it. And instead of being heard, we’re met with denial, gaslighting, and blame. Meanwhile, the person carrying the mess gets to keep roaming free, piling up more dysfunction, while we’re stuck holding the emotional fallout.
This isn’t just a story—it’s a pattern. And for those of us raised in families where loyalty to image outweighs loyalty to truth, it’s a painful reality. Let’s talk about why this happens, how it keeps dysfunction alive, and why breaking free is so damn important.
The Scapegoat’s Burden: Seeing (& Saying) What Others Won’t
The scapegoated child often serves as the emotional truth-teller in the family—the one who notices when things are out of order and has the courage (or frustration) to speak up. But in families where appearances matter more than accountability, truth-telling is treated like a crime, so calling out dysfunction makes you the "villain."
Why Calling Out Dysfunction Makes You the Villain
You See What They’re Trying to Hide
The truth-teller is a threat to the family’s carefully constructed image. When you ask, “Is that shit in your pocket?” You’re not just naming the dysfunction—exposing the entire system they’ve built to cover it up.
Instead of addressing the mess, they attack the messenger. You’re accused of being disrespectful, overdramatic, or even mentally unstable—anything to deflect from the fact that they’re the ones carrying the mess.
They Deny, Deflect, and Gaslight
Denial is their go-to weapon. They’ll tell you you’re imagining things, overreacting, or trying to stir up drama. Gaslighting often follows: “Why would you think that? You’re always looking for problems. No one else smells anything—it’s just you.”
This constant invalidation teaches you to second-guess your instincts. Over time, you might start wondering if you really are the problem, even when you know deep down you’re not.
They Rewrite the Narrative
Once the focus is off their mess, they flip the script to make you look like the villain. Maybe they tell other family members that you’re demanding, difficult, or disrespectful. Maybe they subtly undermine your credibility so no one takes you seriously. Sound familiar?
Meanwhile, they keep roaming freely—never held accountable for their behavior because they’ve convinced everyone else that you’re the f*cking problem!
Why Families Protect the Mess
In dysfunctional families, protecting the image often takes priority over addressing the truth. This happens for a few key reasons:
Shame and Denial
Admitting a problem means facing uncomfortable truths—and many people would rather live in denial than confront their flaws.
Fear of Judgment
Some families worry more about what others will think than about the well-being of their immediate family members. Keeping up appearances becomes a survival strategy, even at the expense of their children’s emotional health.
Generational Cycles
Dysfunctional patterns are often passed down through generations. Your parents might be carrying their own unhealed wounds, repeating behaviors they learned from their parents.
The Price of Loyalty: How Silence Becomes Complicity
So, what happens when you’re the one who sees and speaks but no one else acknowledges it? You’re stuck in the family’s twisted version of loyalty: protect the image at all costs, even when the truth is rotting underneath.
The Culture of Silence
In families that thrive on dysfunction, silence becomes a powerful tool. Speaking out is dangerous, and questioning the status quo is viewed as a betrayal. You’re not supposed to recognize the mess; if you do, you’re supposed to pretend it doesn’t exist. The family secret? It’s more important than your truth, your well-being, or your emotional health.
The Cost of Disruption
For the scapegoated child, this dynamic can be suffocating. The family wants to maintain control and will go to great lengths to preserve the “perfect” image—no matter the cost. But here’s the truth: This loyalty to secrecy keeps everyone trapped in a cycle of dysfunction. You’re gaslighted, manipulated, and emotionally abandoned while the person causing the chaos gets to stay untouched, free to create more mess!
The Toll of Being the Scapegoat
Being the one who calls out dysfunction isn’t easy. It comes with a heavy emotional price:
You feel isolated. You’re labeled as the troublemaker, often leaving you disconnected from extended family.
You question your reality. Gaslighting makes you doubt your perceptions and instincts, leaving you confused and insecure.
You carry the emotional weight. While they deny, deflect, and blame, you’re left holding the truth—and the pain that comes with it.
How to Break the Cycle of Family Dysfunction
The first step to reclaiming your peace is recognizing that you don’t have to stay silent. You don’t have to protect a family image that doesn’t serve you. The following chart discusses how to break the cycle of family dysfunction:
Step | Description | Reflection/Practical Tip |
1. Trust Your Instincts | You’re not imagining things. If you see the mess, trust yourself. Gaslighting might make you doubt your reality, but deep down, you know the truth. | Reflective Prompt: What patterns of dysfunction have you noticed in your family that others refuse to acknowledge? |
2. Name the Mess | You’ve seen the dysfunction. Now, name it. Whether it’s emotional manipulation, neglect, or abuse, calling out the mess is the first step to healing. Ignoring it won’t help—it just festers. | Reflective Prompt: What is the “shit” your family tries to hide, and how has pretending it doesn’t exist affected you emotionally? |
3. Stop Playing the Blame Game | Their mess is not your responsibility. You didn’t create it, and it’s not your job to clean it up. Set boundaries to protect your peace, even if it means stepping back. | Practical Tip: Practice saying, “That’s not my responsibility,” when others try to blame you for their issues. |
4. Seek Support | Being the scapegoat can be isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Find people who validate your experience—whether that’s a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group. | Reflective Prompt: Who in your life makes you feel seen and heard? How can you lean on them for support? |
5. Rewrite Your Narrative | You’re not the villain. You’re not the troublemaker. You’re the truth-teller. Reclaim your story by focusing on your strengths and the resilience you’ve built through these experiences. | Reflective Prompt: If you could rewrite the story of your role in your family, how would you describe yourself? |
6. Shift Your Loyalty | True loyalty is not about silence; it’s about honesty. Loyalty means speaking the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, and honoring your emotional health over appearances. | Reflective Prompt: How can you shift your loyalty from protecting dysfunctional family dynamics to safeguarding your own peace and truth? |
7. Break the Silence | Speaking the truth is uncomfortable, primarily when you’ve been taught to stay quiet. But breaking the silence is liberating. It’s about prioritizing your truth over appearances. | Reflective Prompt: How would it feel to stop protecting the family’s image and start prioritizing your own emotional health? |
8. Create Boundaries with Compassion | Breaking free from toxic loyalty doesn’t mean abandoning your family—it means setting boundaries that protect your mental and emotional well-being. Love means protecting yourself, too. | Practical Tip: Practice saying, “I won’t engage in conversations that don’t respect my feelings or experiences. If we can’t discuss things honestly, I must step away.” |
Crowning Thoughts
Being the one to call out the mess isn’t easy—it’s lonely, exhausting, and often unfair. But here’s the truth: Recognizing dysfunction isn’t the problem. The problem is the mess they refuse to deal with.
You deserve to be free from their blame, their gaslighting, and their denial. By choosing truth over image, you reclaim your power and break the cycle—for yourself and the generations after you.
So, next time someone accuses you of being “too sensitive” or “making things up,” remember: You’re not the one carrying the mess. You’re just brave enough to name it.
Reflective Prompts for Your Journey:
How has being the scapegoat shaped your self-perception?
What steps can you take to prioritize your truth over your family’s image?
How can you create boundaries with love while still honoring your own emotional well-being?
How can you model emotional honesty for the next generation?
Tired of being blamed for what’s not yours to carry? Join The Inner Court Membership at Mental Health Monarchs, where you’ll find tools, support, and community to help you reclaim your truth and heal from family dysfunction.
Comments