Let's Kick Toxic Relationship Trends to the Curb
- Jerusalem Brown, LPC, NCC
- Apr 11, 2024
- 10 min read
Updated: Apr 16, 2024
Hey, hey! Let’s explore a touchy topic today. We’ve all seen how the dating scene’s getting all kinds of twisted lately, right? With all these talks about being a “high-value” man or woman flooding our feeds, it feels like we’re losing grip on what matters in relationships. We’re measuring people’s worth on things that don’t truly count regarding genuine connection and respect.
As a black woman (and a psychotherapist to boot), I’ve been in the trenches, and let me tell you, the impact of these trendy but toxic ideologies is more severe than it seems. They’re creating a gap where there needs to be unity among us. Instead of celebrating our uniqueness and learning from each other, there’s this push to fit into boxes that don’t hold up in genuine love.
For a video summary, watch the following video and subscribe to the Mental Health Monarchs channel on YouTube!
Finding A Real Connection
Stepping into the dating scene? Here’s a golden nugget of advice: know yourself. Understanding your needs, desires, and absolute no’s is like having a secret weapon. It’s about recognizing what truly matters to you in a partner—their sense of humor, their values, or even how they handle stress. And let’s not forget about those dealbreakers. Dealbreakers are not just petty preferences; they’re the boundaries that protect your heart and your peace.
Knowing what you want (for example, a person with integrity), naming your non-negotiables (such as must be communicative and reflective), and being crystal clear about your dealbreakers (for instance, they don’t respect boundaries) can help curtail a lot of bullsh*t, moving forward. Knowing these aspects will make it easier for you to move on peacefully without much turmoil or, more importantly, without wasting years in an unfulfilling relationship. -- Evangelist Sister Big-Bone
Being crystal clear on these things? It’s a game-changer. It means you’re not just wandering through the dating world but navigating it purposefully. This isn’t about being picky; it’s about being smart. Why waste time on connections that aren’t going to fulfill you?
So, dive into that dating pool with your eyes wide open. Know what you’re looking for and stand firm on what you won’t tolerate. The right person won’t just accept your needs and dealbreakers; they’ll cherish them. Because, at the end of the day, finding love is about finding someone who gets you, respects you, and is all in for the real, unapologetic you. Let’s get out there and find that love that doesn’t just last but genuinely satisfies.
Understanding the essence of a genuine connection goes way beyond just sharing hobbies or having great conversations. It’s about vibing on a deeper emotional level and fully respecting each other’s entire journey through life. Real love isn’t about ticking off a list or meeting someone else’s predefined standards. It’s about looking at another person, with all their quirks, battles, and strengths, and thinking, “All of this, every bit of you, is absolutely worth it.”
But how do you get to this place of deep connection? First, it’s about listening—not just hearing the words, but understanding what’s being said between the lines. It’s about empathy, putting yourself in their shoes, feeling what they feel. And remember, communication is a two-way street; it’s as much about openly sharing your thoughts and feelings as it is about listening to your partner’s.
Staying connected means continuously nurturing this bond. It’s not a one-and-done deal. Life throws curveballs, and people change and grow. The key is to grow together, not apart. This involves checking in with each other, spending quality time together, and never taking the other person for granted. It’s about constantly finding new ways to connect, whether through shared experiences, learning from each other, or simply taking a moment to appreciate the journey you’re on together.
So, let’s keep it a thow-wow: a real connection is about embracing the total package, with all its ups and downs. It’s about choosing each other every day, not because you have to, but because you want to. That’s the kind of love that not only lasts but flourishes.
Healing Starts With Us
Here’s the real talk: healing starts with you. Before we can fix how we vibe with others, we really have to take a good, hard look at ourselves. This is the journey inward. If you want to dive into the dating scene and make a splash, you must consistently take good care of yourself. I’m talking about the whole package—mind, body, and soul. Seeking healing, whether that’s through therapy or whatever path feels right, isn’t just some self-help “bullsh*t.” It’s crucial groundwork for kicking off and keeping up those healthy, feel-good relationships.
If you choose the therapy route (something I highly suggest), it isn’t just a safe space to vent—it’s a powerful exploration of the core of who you are. It’s about breaking down the walls you didn’t even know you had and getting to an inner space where you can be your authentic self in love and life.
This degree of self-care and self-love is about stepping up as the best version of you—not just for yourself, but for the vibe and energy you bring to your relationships. Never underestimate the power of getting your house in order before inviting someone else in. Let’s get to healing and transforming ourselves (just like we “get to the bag!”), so we can really connect with others on a whole new level. Does it not excite you to imagine you and your future partner sharing y’all’s “good love” with each other? Alexa, play “Good Love” by Anita Baker!
The Magic of Uplifting Connections
Speaking of “good love,” imagine being in a relationship where you’re each other’s cheerleaders. Where your successes are celebrated, your losses are collectively mourned, and your growth is a shared journey. I foresee this kind of connection as being beyond just romantic—it’s spiritual, emotional, and profoundly transformative.
And here’s the thing—it doesn’t matter who you love. The beauty of these uplifting connections is universal, transcending sexual orientation, because, at the end of the day, love is love. It’s about finding someone who resonates with your soul and who makes the tough days easier and the good ones even brighter.
Can I get an Amen!?
Gratitude in Togetherness
There’s something so powerful about recognizing the beauty in how we connect and uplift each other. It brings a sense of gratitude. It's gratefulness for the moments shared, for the growth experienced, and the unconditional support. This gratitude becomes the foundation of a relationship built to last through the twists and turns, and the ups and downs.
The Challenge to Uplift
So, here’s a little challenge for all of us: let’s strive to be that uplifting force in someone’s life. Whether it’s your partner, your friend, or even someone you’re yet to meet, aim to be a source of positive energy and encouragement. Let’s create connections that are more meaningful--ones that transcend the superficial and touches the essence of who we are.
The Journey Together
Remember, the journey of growth is continuous, and having someone by your side who understands that and celebrates it makes all the difference. It’s about creating a safe space where both of you can be your authentic selves, learn from each other, and grow together in every beautiful way possible.
So, let’s cherish these connections, celebrate them, and recognize the incredible impact they can have on our lives (and yes--even before they get here). Because when we grow together, we create a world that’s a little brighter, kinder, and much more loving. And isn’t that what it’s all about at the end of the day?
Not sure how to determine true compatibility, or are you unsure about who you can grow with? Dive into the next section. Let’s get real.
What's the Vibe? Are We Truly Compatible? toxic relationship trends
Let's break it down simple-style. Here's a quick chart detailing what's healthy and what's straight-up toxic in relationships. The list is not extensive, but it's enough to get you started. Check it out.
Aspect: “What’s Going Down?” | Healthy Vibes | Toxic Tendencies |
Communication (How We Talk, Listen, & Relate To Each Other) | Open, honest, and respectful--Straight up, forthcoming, caring. | Dominated by criticism and avoidance--ghosting, deflection, gaslighting, denial. |
Respect | Mutual admiration and consideration--We always have each other’s backs. | Disregard for personal boundaries and autonomy. Crossing lines, no personal space. Talking about your relationship with others and talking badly about your partner to others. |
Support, Presence, & Being There | Encouragement and mutual growth--Cheerleading and emotional, physical, intellectual, & spiritual reciprocation. Reflective listening and undivided attention during discussions. | Undermining and jealousy--Pulling each other down. Dismissing your partner’s emotions and feelings and not giving your partner your undivided attention while having serious discussions. |
Independence | Maintaining individuality within the union--You do you, and I do me--but we can also co-exist and respect (and enjoy) each other’s individuality. Interdependence. Collaboration regarding decisions. | Co-dependency and loss of self--Clingy, relying on your partner for your sense of joy and self-esteem. Consistently indecisive and placing a majority of the decisions on one partner. |
Conflict Resolution (Fighting Fair) | Constructive dialogue and compromise--Talking it out & meeting halfway. | Persistent conflict and unresolved issues--Endless drama, no peace, a lack of empathy & understanding regarding each other’s needs/desires. |
Trust | Built on consistency and reliability--solid as a rock. Trusting what is said, discussed, shown, & acknowledged. Actions trump words. | Frequent doubts and mistrust--Shaky ground, doubting every move & every intent. Words and actions do not match. Discussing relationship issues with others |
Growth & Growing Together | Both partners evolve together--Elevating encouraging, & challenging each other every day. Iron sharpens iron. | Stagnation and resentment--Stuck in a rut, feeling bitter & resentful without communicating thoughts & feelings. Lack of personal growth, no pursuit of individual or relationship goals. Complacent. |
Emotional Safety--Feeling Comfortable Sharing Thoughts, Feelings, & Opinions (Without Judgement) | Feelings are heard, discussed, validated, and respected--Your heart’s safe here. “Talk to me, baby.” “Let’s come to a resolution or compromise...(if possible).” | Emotional manipulation and neglect. Silent treatment, walking on eggshells (feeling you can’t talk to your partner about issues because they will deny, guilt trip, gaslight, project, deflect). |
Financial Attitudes | Shared goals and transparency--Goals aligned and/or discussed, Open books & discussions about financial statuses, issues, and financial planning. | Control issues and secrecy--Power plays, secret stashes. Using money to manipulate or intimidate. Purposely withholding. |
Future Orientation, aka “Growing Together” | Joint planning and shared dreams--the future’s bright. We’re in it together. | Lack of commitment and uncertainty... “We’ll see” equals non-committal vibes. Stagnancy. No desire to change for the better. |
Growing Together, Glowing Together
Let’s discuss something super important— how much we need each other for growth. And catch this, it doesn’t matter who you’re into; what’s crucial is the love itself. It’s all about connecting on a level that elevates both of you, where each of you shines a bit brighter thanks to the other. Isn’t that precious? Who can you truly rely on or trust to lift you up and maybe even challenge you a bit?
Talking about needing each other is not about filling some void or feeling incomplete solo-dolo. Nope, it’s about enhancing each other’s lives in ways so enriching and profound that you can’t help but level up together. It’s like when you find someone who sees you, supports you, and nudges you toward greatness—you’re not just growing but flourishing.
Adding a layer to this, recognizing when someone is open to growth is vital. It’s one thing to be supportive but another to be willing to evolve alongside someone. This willingness to grow—not just as individuals but together—marks the difference between a good and great connection. It’s about finding someone who accepts you as you are, and who is also curious and excited about where you both can go. This journey of mutual growth strengthens your bond. It ensures you both move in the same direction and grow brighter together. Is that the kind of partnership you desire, or nah?
Building You to Build Us
Healthy love involves bringing your entire, true self to the relationship. It requires effort to evolve into a more healed version of yourself. Therefore, I advocate for personal growth and development, shifting your mindset towards healthier relationships, engaging in self-reflection, and prioritizing self-care as essential steps before entering into a serious relationship with anyone. Again, perfection isn’t required, but taking steps towards becoming a healthier version of yourself will help you attract and meet healthier partners.
You don't have to be "perfect" to meet or engage with someone, but it's crucial that you are actively treading on a journey of self-improvement and emotional self-mastery before you enter into a relationship with anyone. Consider it a worthy investment.' You're worth it. - Bishop Butterscotch
The journey towards healthy relationships begins with self. It’s about nurturing a sense of wholeness that you will then bring into a connection.
Here are a few ways to get there:
Reflect on You: Get cozy with your thoughts through meditation, journaling, or explore your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs with a therapist.
Emotion Game Strong: Becoming more attuned to your thoughts, emotions, and beliefs increases self-awareness. When you know what you feel, you can state what you feel--first to yourself and then to a partner. Knowing how to assert your feelings without drama is a game-changer.
Boundaries Are Bae: Teach people how to treat you by setting clear lines. Honor your emotional, physical, and financial safety by asserting your boundaries and knowing how you will handle your boundaries being crossed. This can look like removing yourself from a heated conversation, a toxic relationship, or [insert boundary violation here].
Old Wounds, New Healings: Work through your past issues so it doesn’t mess with your future. Participating in psychotherapy or joining a support group is a great way to do this.
Empathy Is Everything: Rehearsing self-compassion for yourself can help you empathize with others. Growing a compassionate muscle helps you to see the world from another person’s perspective. You don’t have to agree, but holding space for others with empathy changes everything--especially conversations.
Your Move
It’s time to shake off those toxic trends and enter relationships filled with growth, respect, and deep love. Therapy, whether solo or with your partner, can be a game-changer. It’s about showing up as your best self and inviting in the kind of love you truly deserve.
Let’s return to the heart of Black Love, where every connection celebrates who we genuinely are--together and apart. We’re rewriting the narrative, y’all, one real, loving relationship at a time. Let’s get it!
⭐⭐⭐Bonus: Here are 10 affirmations to include in your daily self-care practices to shift your mindset toward healthier relationships:
I am valuable, and I deserve respectful love.
My relationships support and uplift me.
I attract partners who truly see and appreciate my inner self.
I commit to fostering healthy, empowering connections.
My self-worth is independent of anyone’s validation.
I am open to love that nurtures mutual growth and understanding.
I prioritize emotional safety and honesty in all my relationships.
I embrace my journey towards loving and being loved authentically.
I celebrate the differences that enrich my relationships.
I am dedicated to building a life filled with genuine, loving connections.
What affirmations would you add to this list? Share your ideas in the comments!
Lastly, music has always been a healing balm for me, and I firmly believe that what you listen to matters. I hope you’ll enjoy the songs I chose to help drive my points home, sprinkle some “good love” into your day, and inspire healthier relating. Feel free to add your positive love song suggestions in the comments! I love you!
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