Emotional Violence Vampires: They Fight "Dirty" Because They Don’t Know How to Fight Fair
- Jerusalem Brown, LPC, NCC
- Feb 23
- 9 min read
Alright, so BOOM, you’re in a conversation, thinking it’s about understanding and connection, but then it happens—they twist your words, belittle your experiences, and attack your character. It’s not about the issue anymore; it’s about making you feel small, crazy, or unworthy. You’re left questioning yourself, feeling confused, and emotionally drained.
Congratulations, you’ve just encountered an Emotional Violence Vampire—a person who fights dirty and feeds off the chaos they create!
Here’s the truth: Emotional violence is the weapon of the weak, meaning it's the go-to move for emotionally immature people who don’t know how to communicate, compromise, or grow. They thrive on winning an argument by dominating you, draining you for their own emotional satisfaction, and preserving their fragile ego.
They fight dirty because they don't know how to fight fair!
What Exactly is Emotional Violence and an Emotional Vampire?
Emotional Violence
Emotional violence is psychological warfare, essentially. It’s not just harsh words or heated arguments—it’s a calculated attack on you and your sense of emotional safety. It’s designed to:
Erase Your Reality: They gaslight you, making you question your own memories, experiences, perceptions, and feelings.
Invalidate Your Emotions: They belittle your feelings, calling you “too sensitive” or “dramatic” to silence you.
Attack Your Character: Instead of addressing the issue, they attack you as a person to undermine your credibility.
Control the Narrative: They twist the conversation to make you the villain, avoiding accountability at all costs.
Why Do They Do It? Because they don’t know how to communicate maturely, and likely because these are the behaviors they've witnessed or experienced from their own caregivers, guardians, and/or sorted environments growing up. More importantly, they haven’t done the internal work necessary to face their own pain, so they project it onto you (just as it was done to them). Although we can empathize, we're NOT handing out excuse tokens! Emotional violence is a way of protecting their fragile ego by attacking yours (because this is the type of communication they saw). It’s about perceived power, not understanding. It’s about control, not connection.
Emotional Vampires
Emotional Vampires argue, demand, deflect, and deny. They thrive off emotional chaos. They don’t care about fairness, resolution, or understanding. They care about the power trip that comes with pushing you to feel frustrated, exhausted, and questioning yourself.
Their goal? To drain you and leave you feeling powerless while they walk away feeling victorious.
Signs You’re Dealing with an Emotional Vampire:
They provoke arguments to piss you off and push you to react.
They never actually listen—they wait for their turn to attack.
They thrive on drama and do NOT want resolution, only control.
They twist your words, making you question your reality.
They refuse to take responsibility for their behavior but blame you for your reaction to their overt aggression.
They drain your emotional energy and leave you feeling depleted.
Did you think of anyone? If so, who? Keep them in mind as you read this.
Why Emotional Violence Vampires Fight Dirty & How They Drain You?
Emotional violence vampires don’t know how to fight fair (and it's not your responsibility to help them see the light). They haven’t performed the necessary inner work to help them navigate conflict in healthy ways. Instead of managing their emotions, they manipulate yours.
Here’s why they operate this way:
They need to feel superior. Their self-worth depends on making others feel small.
They don’t know how to process their own emotions. So, they lash out instead of reflecting.
They are addicted to the emotional high of control. They need to see you struggle to feel "powerful."
They fear accountability. Fighting fair means being vulnerable, and they refuse to do that.
How Emotional Violence Vampires Drain You
These emotional leeches have specific tactics they use to keep you engaged in their toxic cycle. Let's discuss common tactics.
Common Tactics of Emotional Violence Vampires:
🩸 Gaslighting: Twisting facts to make you doubt your own reality. ("That never happened. You’re making things up.")
🩸 Blame-Shifting: Avoiding accountability by making you the villain. ("Maybe if you weren’t so sensitive, we wouldn’t be here.")
🩸 Character Attacks: Insulting who you are instead of addressing the issue. ("You’re always so difficult and negative.")
🩸 Public Humiliation: Trying to dominate you in front of others for added power, telling lies about you to others, and/or gossiping about you.
🩸 Dismissing Your Feelings: Making you feel like your emotions are ridiculous or invalid. ("You’re overreacting. Relax.")
Emotional Violence Vampires vs. Emotionally Mature People
If you’re wondering whether you’re dealing with an emotionally violent vampire or just someone having a bad day, here’s how they compare:
Emotional Violence Vampire Mindset | Emotionally Mature Mindset |
Thrive on chaos and control | Seek clarity and understanding |
Attack your character | Address the actual issue |
Twist words to manipulate | Communicate honestly |
Fight to win at any cost | Fight for resolution and fairness |
Feed off your frustration | Respect your emotions |
Now, let's break down common scenarios:
Scenario | Emotional Violence Vampires | Emotionally Mature People |
You express hurt feelings. | "You’re too sensitive. Get over it." | "I didn’t realize that hurt you. Let’s talk about it." |
You set a boundary. | "Oh, I see. You don’t care about me at all." | "I understand your need for space. I’ll respect that." |
You share a different perspective. | "You always have to argue. You’re so difficult." | "I see it differently, but I can respect your view." |
You request emotional support. | "You’re so needy. I can’t deal with your issues right now." | "I’m here for you. How can I support you?" |
You confront disrespect. | "You’re overreacting. Stop making everything about you." | "I see how that affected you. I’m willing to listen." |
You bring up a past incident. | "Why are you still talking about that? Move on!" | "I see that this still bothers you. Let’s work through it." |
You make a mistake and apologize. | "You’re just saying sorry to shut me up." | "I appreciate your apology. Let’s figure out how to move forward." |
You ask for clarity in a disagreement. | "You always twist my words!" | "Let’s make sure we’re understanding each other correctly." |
You express frustration in a heated moment. | "You’re being dramatic again!" | "I get that you’re upset. Let’s take a break and talk when we’re calmer." |
You call out manipulative behavior. | "You’re just trying to make me the bad guy. You always blame me." | "I’m not blaming you, but I need to be honest about how I feel." |
Remember: you can call someone out without tearing them down. The moment someone feels attacked, their defense mode kicks in—it's human nature. If they haven't done the internal work, best believe they're going to react "messy." In fact, some folks thrive on this. They’ll provoke you just to spin the narrative, pointing at your reaction like you’re the problem while conveniently ignoring the chaos they stirred up in the first place. Don’t take the bait. - Bishop Butterscotch
Emotional Violence Vampire vs. Emotionally Healthy Person Under Attack
Not everyone who gets defensive is an Emotional Violence Vampire—even the most emotionally mature person can react when backed into a corner. The difference? A vampire feeds off the chaos, while a healthy person processes and self-corrects. Here’s how they compare:
Personal Mindset & Perception of Events | Emotional Violence Vampire | Emotionally Healthy Person Under Attack |
Feels challenged or called out | Immediately flips the script, blames you, and attacks your character. | Feels defensive but takes a step back to process before responding. |
Defense mechanism kicks in | Uses gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional attacks to control the situation. | Might get reactive in the moment but later reflect and self-regulate. |
Feels attacked | Instantly lashes out, making it about your flaws instead of the issue at hand. | Acknowledges their emotional response, works through it and refocuses on resolution. |
Wants to ‘win’ instead of resolve | Fights dirty—twisting words, shifting blame, and escalating tension for control. | Might initially push back but ultimately seeks clarity and mutual understanding. |
Challenged to accept accountability | Deflects, minimizes, or outright denies their role in the conflict. | Can acknowledge their mistakes once they’ve had time to cool down. |
Reaction to boundaries | Takes boundaries as a personal attack and retaliates with guilt trips or rage. | May feel hurt at first, but respects and adjusts to healthy boundaries. |
Response to discomfort | Uses emotional violence to regain a sense of power. | Recognizes discomfort as an opportunity for growth and self-awareness. |
Engagement style | Provokes, drains, and manipulates to keep you emotionally hooked. | Communicates with awareness, even when struggling with emotions. |
The overall goal in discord | Wants control and uses chaos to stay in power. | Wants resolution, healing, and emotional self-mastery. |
💡 Key Takeaway: Feeling defensive is human. The difference is what happens next—do you weaponize your emotions to control others, or do you self-reflect and grow? Emotional Violence Vampires feed on destruction; emotionally healthy people work through the mess and heal.
Why is Emotional Violence/Vampirism So Hard to Recognize Initially?
Emotional violence is sneaky because it disguises itself as normal conversation or debate. You think you’re just having a disagreement but leave feeling emotionally exhausted, confused, or even "crazy." That’s because emotional violence isn’t just about words; it’s about power dynamics.
You feel attacked, unheard, and misunderstood because they never intended to listen or understand. They went in with one goal: to win at any cost, even if it means emotionally destroying you.
Why You Can’t Win with Them
Here’s the kicker: You can’t win with someone who’s committed to misunderstanding you. You can’t reason with someone who isn’t listening. And you can’t engage in a healthy conversation with someone who’s emotionally violent because they’re not even trying to understand you—they’re in it to win!
Again, This is Why You’ll Never Win and It Would Benefit You to Abort Mission:
They Fight to Dominate, Not to Understand: Their ego is invested in being right, not in being real.
They Haven’t Done the Work: They don’t have the emotional maturity to handle conflict without lashing out.
They’re Feeding Off Your Pain: Seeing you emotionally disarmed gives them a sense of power.
They Rewrite History: They manipulate the narrative to make you the villain and themselves the victim.
How to Protect Yourself
The only way to beat an Emotional Violence Vampire? Starve them. They need your reactions to survive. Deny them your energy, and they lose their power.
Here’s how you can protect yourself:
🛑 Don’t Engage: Refuse to argue with people committed to misunderstanding you. They don’t want clarity; they want control. Keep your peace by disengaging and not giving them the emotional supply they crave. If someone is fighting dirty, refuse to step into the ring. F them!
🔒 Set Firm Boundaries: Make what you will and will not tolerate crystal clear. Emotional Violence Vampires push limits to see how much they can get away with—don't let them. Enforce your boundaries without guilt. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate emotional violence. Hang up, block, and/or refuse to engage any further.
🛡 Emotional Distance: Their words? Not your truth. Their attacks? Not your burden. Remind yourself that their projection is about them, not you. Don’t carry the weight of someone else’s emotional dysfunction. Their words are a reflection of them, not you. Don’t internalize it.
📜 Document the Pattern: Write it down if this behavior keeps repeating. Keep track of their manipulation tactics to recognize the pattern and remind yourself that you're not 'overreacting'—you're seeing the truth. If it’s repeated behavior, keep track for your own clarity.
🤝 Seek Support: Emotional Violence Vampires want you isolated so they can control the narrative. Stay close to people who validate your reality, lift you up, and remind you of your worth. Surround yourself with people who validate your reality.
🚶🏾♀️ Walk Away: Sometimes, the best response is no response. Not every battle is worth fighting, and not every person deserves access to your energy. Protect your peace and exit the game altogether. The best way to win against an Emotional Violence Vampire is to refuse to play their game.
A Message for Emotional Bullies
If you see yourself performing any of these tactics, this is your wake-up call. It’s time to confront your emotional immaturity and stop weaponizing others' thoughts, emotions, and words. Emotional violence signals your own unhealed pain, insecurity, or emotional immaturity. It’s not strength; it’s cowardice.
Ask yourself:
Why do I feel the need to control the narrative?
Why am I threatened by someone else’s feelings or perspective?
What unhealed wounds am I projecting onto others?
Why do I attack instead of owning my emotions?
While it’s easier to attack than to grow, it's giving emotional immaturity and a lack of personal accountability. If you’re ready to break the cycle, seek therapy, do the internal work, and learn to communicate without violence. You don’t have to hurt others to feel powerful.
Crowning Thoughts
Emotional violence is the "coward’s power play." It’s the weapon of the emotionally immature who fight dirty because they don't know how to fight fair. Protect your peace by refusing to engage with those who seek to control, dominate, or erase your truth.
And if you’re the one using emotional violence, it’s time to grow up and heal. Power isn’t about winning at someone else’s expense. It’s about facing your own pain and choosing to be better.
Reflective Prompts:
Have you experienced emotional violence in your relationships? How did it make you feel?
Have you been the one using emotional violence? What unhealed pain is driving that behavior?
How can you set healthier boundaries to protect your emotional safety?
What steps can you take to communicate more effectively without using emotional violence?
Emotional violence may be their only way to “win,” but you don’t have to play their game. Protect your peace, guard your truth, and remember—engaging with a fool is a battle you’ve already lost.
Want More?
If this hits home, don’t let the journey end here. Join The Inner Court Membership for deeper discussions on emotional self-mastery, boundary-setting, and navigating emotional violence. You deserve emotional safety, and we’re here to help you protect your crown.
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