The Breakup You Didn't See Coming: Saying Goodbye to Your Old Self
- Bishop Butterscotch
- Jan 24
- 7 min read
Updated: Feb 10
"Saying goodbye isn’t always to others; it can also be to who we used to be." – Quinn Motherf*cking Joseph, Harlem (Season 3, Episode 1)
Whew. Listen. If there’s one thing life gon’ do, it’s gon' make you shed some skins!
And if you’re doing this whole growth thing right, you should be on at least your third or fourth life by now—maybe even your fifth like me. And I ain’t nowhere NEAR done yet.
Because let’s be real… Some of y’all are out here acting brand new, and it’s got nothing to do with fake friends or switching up. It’s because you literally ARE brand new—or at least, you’re supposed to be.
And if you’re feeling stuck? If life feels tight, like you’re trying to squeeze into an identity that doesn’t fit anymore? It might be time to lay an old version of yourself to rest.
So let’s get into it.
The Truth About Outgrowing Yourself
"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." — Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
You ever look back at who you were 5 years ago and cringe? Maybe even just two years ago?
I know I do.
There are versions of me that I had to let go of, even though I fought like hell to hold onto them. Some of them were good at survival but not so great at thriving. Some were too accommodating, too afraid to take up space, or too stuck on proving their worth to the wrong people.
And then, one day, I woke up and realized… that version of me had EXPIRED.
Like milk. Like an old iPhone that won’t update anymore. Like a lace front wig in humidity—baby, it’s lifting, it's sliding back, and everybody can see it. It's time to let go.
And maybe that’s happening to you, too?
Signs You Need to Say Goodbye to an Old You
If you’ve been feeling restless, irritated, or drained, you might be outgrowing an identity that’s trying to hold on for dear life.
Here’s how you know it’s time to let it go:
Your old coping mechanisms don’t hittt the same. That “I don’t care” attitude? The over-giving, overworking, or over-explaining? Snapping at people? Ignoring your problems? Blaming everyone else? Avoiding tough conversations? Whatever your old coping mechanisms have been, they no longer work, they are causing issues in your relationship(s), and it’s exhausting you instead of helping you.
You feel out of place in rooms you used to feel comfortable in. That friend group, that job, that relationship—it used to feel good, but now it feels off, suffocating, unfulfilling.
You keep repeating the same hard lesson over and over. Life keeps sending you the same type of people, the same heartbreak, the same frustration. It’s trying to tell you, "Something ain’t clicking."
Your intuition is louder than usual. You feel it in your gut: something gotta' change.
You catch yourself making excuses for staying the same. “This is just how I am.” “I don’t have time for that healing sh*t.” “I’ll change when the time is right.”
Why It’s So Damn Hard to Let Go
The wildest part? We know when we’re meant to evolve—but we fight it.
Because even if an old version of you isn’t serving you anymore, it’s still familiar. And the unknown? It can be terrifying.
Maybe the people-pleaser in you kept you safe growing up.
Maybe the overachiever in you helped you prove your worth in a world that made you feel invisible.
Maybe the guarded, “trust nobody” version of you protected you from getting hurt.
Maybe the perfectionist in you thought being flawless would keep you from being criticized.
Maybe the “stay quiet and don’t rock the boat” version of you learned that speaking up came with consequences.
Maybe the “I’ll do it all myself” version of you was born out of disappointment from people who kept letting you down.
Maybe the strong, “I don’t need anybody” version of you was just a shield for all the times you needed support and didn’t get it.
Maybe the always-helpful, always-available version of you was trying to earn love through usefulness.
Maybe the class clown in you learned early that if people laughed with you, they wouldn’t laugh at you.
Maybe the “I don’t care” attitude was really just protection from feeling deeply rejected.
Maybe the over-giver in you believed that if you poured enough into others, someone would finally pour into you.
Maybe the “never let ‘em see you cry” version of you learned that vulnerability wasn’t safe.
Maybe the always-hustling, never-resting version of you was afraid that slowing down would make you unworthy.
That version of you was necessary at one point. But baby, you've outgrown that now. And you deserve more than survival. You deserve ease. Peace. Expansion. But to get there? You MUST let the old you go.
How to Release an Old Version of Yourself (Without Losing Yourself)
This ain't about "reinventing yourself" in a fake way—it’s about becoming more of who you truly are. Here’s how you do it:
1. Honor the Old You
Before you fully step into your next chapter, you must acknowledge and respect the version of you that got you here. That person—whether they were a people-pleaser, an overachiever, or someone who played small to stay safe—did what they had to do to survive, navigate pain, and protect you.
Write a letter to your past self. Thank them. Thank them for the sacrifices they made, the way they adapted, and the times they didn’t give up. Let them know their work is done. They don’t have to keep fighting that same battle anymore.
💡 Example Letter Prompt: "Dear [Past Me], I see you. I see how hard you worked to be enough, to keep everyone happy, to prove yourself. You protected me when I didn’t know better, and I’m grateful for that. But now? I don’t need to hustle for worth anymore. I don’t need to shrink myself to be loved. I release you with love. Thank you for everything—but I got it from here."
2. Mourn the Loss
Let’s be real—this isn’t just a mindset shift, it’s grief work. Saying goodbye to a version of yourself can feel like losing an old friend. Even if that version of you held you back, it was familiar, comfortable, and safe.
You might feel:
Sadness because you spent so much time living that identity.
Fear because who are you if you’re not that person anymore?
Guilt because part of you wonders if you’re being ungrateful.
Excitement because deep down, you know you’re stepping into something better!
Let yourself sit with those feelings. Journal about it, cry if you need to, or do something symbolic like burning the letter you wrote. Don’t rush the process. You can’t step into the new you while clinging to the old one.
3. Stop Explaining Your Evolution
Let's keep it a buck: not everyone is meant to come with you into your next chapter. And that’s okay.
Some people only loved the version of you that benefited them—the one who said yes when you wanted to say no, the one who kept the peace, the one who put everyone else first. They liked that version of you because it was convenient for them.
When you start growing, setting boundaries, and choosing yourself? Some folks will fall away. And instead of wasting energy explaining, justifying, or convincing them to understand—accept that their part in your story is over.
🔑 Reminder: You don’t need permission to evolve. The right people will recognize and respect your growth.
4. Create a Future Self Vision
Once you let go of who you were, it’s time to clarify who you’re becoming.
Ask yourself:
Who is the next version of me?
What do they believe about themselves?
How do they walk, talk, and show up in the world?
What habits, relationships, and mindsets do they need?
What do they no longer tolerate?
You don’t have to wait to become this person—you can start embodying them right now.
✨ Example: If Future You is confident, intentional, and knows their worth, start making decisions as if you’re already that person. How would Future You handle this situation? What would they say no to?
Your future self is already within you. It’s just waiting for you to step into it.
5. Surround Yourself with People Who See the New You
Your environment matters. If the people around you only love the old you, they will resist your growth. Do I need to repeat that one???
Pay attention to who:
Encourages your evolution vs. tries to keep you the same.
Supports your boundaries vs. gets upset when you start enforcing them.
Celebrate your wins vs. downplay or dismiss them.
Not everyone can handle your transformation. Some people will try to pull you back into your old patterns because your growth makes them uncomfortable. That’s not your problem!!! Find your people—the ones who want to see you thrive, not just stay the same.
If that means letting go of certain friendships, distancing yourself from family, or seeking new connections—so be it. Your next chapter requires a different type of support.
Crowning Thoughts
If you’re on your fifth life or hell, even your second, know this:
You don’t have to feel guilty for outgrowing your past self.
You don’t owe the old you loyalty.
You owe the next version of you a chance.
Growth is messy. Uncomfortable. Lonely at times. But baby, it’s necessary.
Letting go of an old version of you isn’t abandonment—it’s elevation.
And if life has been nudging you, whispering, “You’re meant for more,”—listen.
Why? Because you ain’t even in your final form yet! 👑
So, tell me—what’s one part of yourself you’re ready to let go of? Drop it in the comments. Let’s talk.
Ready to Evolve?
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Because healing isn’t just about reflecting on the past—it’s about stepping forward with intention, grace, and full ownership of who you’re becoming.
→ Sign up here. Your throne is waiting. ✨
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