How Toxic Exes (& Their Families) Purposely Sabotage Your Relationship with Your Children

Bishop Butterscotch
Jul 18, 2023
7 min read

Updated: Sep 17, 2023

Pinocchio, nose growing because of telling lies

I understand the pain and confusion that arises when toxic exes, possibly with narcissistic tendencies, try to turn your children against you. As a seasoned psychotherapist and psychology professor with a focus on diverse populations, I find the topic of relational toxicity, particularly in the context of family dynamics, to be incredibly complex and worthy of nuanced discussion. This article aims to delve into the psychologically damaging practices of toxic exes and their families who engage in deliberate actions to sabotage your relationship with your children. This discussion will consider a multitude of perspectives—cultural, psychological, and legal—to shed light on this unsettling subject. Let's explore the reasons behind this behavior, shall we?

Psychological Mechanisms Underpinning Sabotage

Toxic exes with a dash (or heaping mound) of narcissism often prioritize their own needs as they often lack empathy for others--even your children and especially you if you're not easily bullied or controlled. When faced with [insert disagreeable circumstance here...i.e., personal boundaries, standing up for yourself, etc.], they may use your children as pawns in their power games, which aims to control and dominate the situation.

One reason they resort to turning your children against you is to maintain a sense of superiority. By diminishing your role and authority, they attempt to elevate themselves. They may enlist other family members with falsehoods about you to try to bully you into compliance. When that tactic doesn't work (because you refuse to be bullied or controlled), they insinuate that you are the bad person--deflecting any wrong doing on their part.

They may also employ a psychological tactic known as "parental alienation" to distort the child's perception of the other parent. This involves a systematic denigration of one parent by the other with the objective of undermining and interfering with the child's perception of and relationship with the parent (Clawar & Rivlin, 1991).

The underlying psychology concerning these tactics can be traced back to attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988), which posits that children have an innate ability to form emotional bonds. When these bonds are manipulated or disrupted, it can have long-term consequences for the child’s emotional development.

Picture this: your toxic ex (or their overbearing mother) continuously criticizes and belittles you in front of your kids, highlighting every perceived flaw. They spin tales and manipulate situations to paint you as the villain. Over time, your children may start questioning your character and trustworthiness. Quite the cinematic plot they've woven, yes?

Another reason behind this twisted behavior is their desperate attempt to control the narrative and protect their fragile self-image. They become envious of your newfound happiness or emotional distancing and resort to gaslighting, manipulation, or spreading falsehoods to create doubts in your children's minds. Talk about a serious case of green-eyed monsters.

How Families Contribute

In addition to the ex-partner, extended family members can contribute to this alienation. They may actively participate in slandering you, excluding you from family events, or manipulating situations to make you look incompetent or unloving. This takes the tactic of parental alienation to a more insidious community level, rendering the harm even more devastating. It speaks to a collective failure to prioritize the child’s well-being.

Cultural Context Matters

In my experience (both professional and personal), I've noted that cultural factors can play a role in how parental alienation manifests. In some cultures, the concept of "family honor" may be invoked as a manipulation tool. In others, generational trauma stemming from systemic racial or social injustices may exacerbate the desire to 'win' the child's favor at all costs. It's crucial to understand these nuances when we discuss sabotage within diverse familial contexts.

Legal Considerations

From a legal perspective, actions that constitute parental alienation can, in some jurisdictions, be sufficient grounds for modification of custody arrangements (Fidler & Bala, 2010). However, these proceedings are often marred by societal biases, including but not limited to, racial and gender stereotypes. For example, in the United States, the racial disparities in the family court system can influence case outcomes (Downs, 2004), complicating the struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with your child.

Emotional Intelligence: A Two-Edged Sword

For those with higher emotional intelligence, detecting the subtle manipulations a toxic ex and/or their family use against you may be easier. However, this same sensitivity can make the emotional toll of the sabotage all the more unbearable. In such cases, mental health support is essential. Self-care, boundaries, and professional help can all be key components in navigating the emotional minefield that comes with dealing with a toxic ex and their family.

It is important to note that toxic people and/or covert narcissists have a distinct motivation to sabotage your relationship with your children (or anyone else, for that matter). Understanding these motives can shed light on their deceptive behaviors and help you navigate this challenging situation. Here are a few possible reasons:

Control and Power: Undercover narcissists crave control over others and strive to maintain a sense of power. By sabotaging your relationship with your children, they assert dominance and undermine your authority as a parent. It gives them a perverse satisfaction to have control over the narrative and the emotional bonds involved.
Ego Protection: Undercover narcissists are highly concerned about their self-image and reputation. If they perceive your bond with the children as a threat to their superiority, they may resort to sabotage to protect their fragile ego. By tarnishing your reputation or diminishing your influence, they aim to maintain a false sense of superiority and admiration.
Jealousy and Envy: Undercover narcissists often struggle with envy and jealousy, especially when they see you thriving or forming new relationships. They may resent your happiness or success and view your strong bond with the children as an obstacle. Sabotaging your relationship becomes a way for them to level the playing field or regain a sense of control over your life.
Projection and Blame-Shifting: Narcissists have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions and flaws. They may project their own negative traits onto you and use manipulation tactics to convince others, including your children, that you are the one to blame. By turning your children against you, they deflect accountability and avoid facing their own shortcomings.
Emotional Manipulation: Undercover narcissists are masters of emotional manipulation. They may exploit your children's vulnerabilities, play on their emotions, and create a distorted reality where you are portrayed as the villain. By manipulating the narrative, they attempt to gain sympathy and further isolate you from your children's lives.

It is important to remember that these are just potential motives, and each situation may be unique. Recognizing these patterns can empower you to protect your relationship with your children and seek appropriate support, such as therapy or legal advice, to navigate this complex dynamic effectively.

Mitigating the Damage

In the midst of all this, it's important to remember that your children are caught in the crossfire. They may feel torn between loyalty to you and the influence of the toxic ex (or the ex's family). So, how does one combat such purposeful acts of sabotage? Psychological interventions can also be helpful, particularly family therapy that includes all the members involved, but be forewarned, toxic people rarely play fair in the safety of a counseling room. Yet, you can commit to be the compassionate hero and foster open lines of communication with your kids.

To counteract the damaging effects of parental alienation, consider the following wise moves:

One strategy includes "parallel parenting," where both parents disengage from each other while remaining fully engaged with their children (Sullivan et al., 2010).
Create a nurturing environment where your children can freely express their thoughts and emotions. Let them know it's a safe space, free from judgment. You're the cool parent, after all.
Show unwavering love and support to your children. Be present in their lives, engage in activities together, and prioritize their well-being above any drama with your ex. Show them what an understanding parent looks like.
Building emotional and psychological resilience in children is another avenue worth exploring (Garmezy, 1985). Open communication, emotional literacy, and teaching critical thinking skills can empower children to form their own judgments rather than be swayed by a toxic parent or extended family members.
Seek professional support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in family dynamics and parental alienation. They can guide you with strategies to navigate this treacherous terrain.

I hope this article serves as a comprehensive and compassionate guide for understanding the complexities surrounding this issue, while also acknowledging its devastating (and annoying) impact. Feel free to share, discuss, and use this as a resource for fostering healthier familial relationships. Remember, no child should ever be a pawn in the post-separation conflicts between parents. It's imperative that we remain vigilant against these destructive practices. Our collective efforts can help curb this form of relational toxicity as we vow to become informed by diverse perspectives backed by psychological research. Don't let the toxic behavior of your ex (or his/her family) define your relationship with your children. Stay resilient, show them the awesomeness that is you, and build a stronger bond over time. It's a rollercoaster, but with consistency, you can prevail. If not, act like a cat. They are perpetually UNBOTHERED.

References

Clawar, S. S., & Rivlin, B. V. (1991). Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children. American Bar Association.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Fidler, B. J., & Bala, N. (2010). Children Who Resist Postseparation Parental Contact: A Differential Approach for Legal and Mental Health Professionals. Oxford University Press.
Downs, K. (2004). "Racial Disparities in Family Court and the Child Welfare System." The Michigan Journal of Race & Law.
Sullivan, M. J., Ward, P., & Deutsch, R. (2010). "Overcoming Barriers Family Camp: A Program for High-Conflict Divorced Families Where a Child Is Resisting Contact with a Parent." Family Court Review.
Garmezy, N. (1985). "Stress-Resistant Children: The Search for Protective Factors," in Recent Research in Developmental Psychopathology. Pergamon Press.