You Can't Be Everyone's Emotional ATM! Graduate from People Pleasing to Genuine Generosity

Image created by Mental Health Monarchs

Hey, heyyy! Today, a seven-year-old memory popped up on my social media feed, reminding me how far I've grown from my people-pleasing days. Considering this, let’s talk about something many of us have wrestled with—especially my fellow recovering people-pleasers. We’ve all been there, bending over backward, jumping through hoops, and doing all sorts of gymnastics to keep folks happy who--let’s be honest--wouldn’t lift a finger for us. It's an exhausting cycle where you give, give, give, and end up feeling like a deflated balloon by the end of the day.

But today!? We’re going to talk about leveling up. We’re not just going to talk about what people-pleasing looks like; we’re going to break down how it starts, why it persists, and how to transform it into something healthier—something that nurtures you instead of draining you.

It's time to graduate from "over-giving" to being genuinely generous (if you choose)—but here’s the kicker—it’s gotta' be on your terms. Let’s get into it!

Over-Giving: The Exhausting Dance of Earning a Sense of Value

First, let’s get real about overgiving. Overgiving isn’t just about giving too much; it’s about giving from a place of insecurity, fear, or neediness. It’s the exhausting dance we do when we’re afraid of rejection or being seen as ‘less than’ that we give until it hurts (us). We bend, twist, and reshape ourselves into versions of ourselves we think we need to be to be honorable, viewed positively, to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or to hold onto relationships that might not even serve us.

And what’s the result? Emotional burnout, resentment, feeling like a doormat, feeling overlooked, and/or invisible. Sound familiar? If so, let’s chat about why this isn’t the kind of “giving” that serves anyone—especially not you. Because, honestly, honey, giving from a place of depletion only leads to more feelings of depletion. Holla' if you hear me!

The Roots of People Pleasing: Where It All Begins

Let’s start at the beginning. People pleasing often begins in childhood. Maybe you grew up in a home where love felt conditional—like you had to be perfect, quiet, helpful, or agreeable to earn it. Or perhaps you had to be the peacemaker in a chaotic environment, constantly smoothing things over to "keep the peace," but at your expense. Whatever the root, the message you internalized was clear: Your worth is tied to what you do for others.

As you grow up, this mindset seeps into every part of your life. You start equating love and acceptance with how much you can give—whether it’s your time, energy, attention, labor, money, or even your identity. You bend, twist, and shrink yourself to fit into molds that were never meant for you. And over time, you forget you’re allowed to take up space just as you are.

But here’s the truth: People-pleasing is a survival mechanism, not a virtue. It’s a way of coping with fear—fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of not being enough. And while it might have helped you navigate difficult situations in the past, it’s not serving you NOW. The good news is that recognizing this is the first step toward reclaiming your power.

How You'll Likely Recognize You're Bending Over Backward for the Wrong People

Over-giving usually happens when we’re tangled up with folks who take and take but wouldn’t dream of reciprocating. These people typically see your kindness as a weakness and love you for what you do for them, but they wouldn’t dream of doing the same for you.

When you’re constantly bending over backward for people who won’t even meet you halfway, that’s a red flag that you’re in a one-sided relationship—whether it’s romantic, platonic, professional, or otherwise. And trust me, the more you give to people like this, the more they’ll expect and the less they’ll appreciate it!

Over-Giving vs. Genuine Generosity: The Shift

Now, let’s explore the difference between overgiving and genuine generosity. A need for validation drives overgiving, which is when you give and give until you’re emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. When you feel you must earn your place in someone’s life, you’re only worthy when you sacrifice yourself.

Genuine generosity, on the other hand, comes from a place of abundance. It’s when you give because you want to, not because you feel obligated to. It’s giving without strings attached, without the need for reciprocation or recognition. And here’s the kicker—genuine generosity fills you up. It doesn’t drain you; it energizes you. It’s about giving from your overflow, not your reserves.

Shifting from People Pleaser to Empowered Giver

So, what does it take to make this shift? It starts with recognizing your patterns. Are you giving out of fear, insecurity, or a desire to be liked, loved, or accepted? Or are you giving because it genuinely makes you feel good and aligns with your values?

Once you recognize where your giving comes from, it’s time to start setting boundaries. Yes, I said it—boundaries! Start saying “no” when you need to and “yes” only when it feels right. This is how you shift from being a people-pleaser to an empowered giver.

And remember, it’s not your job to save everyone. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being. In fact, it’s necessary. Because when you’re at your best, you can give the best of yourself—without losing yourself in the process.

So, to all my people-pleasers and recovering people-pleasers out there: I see you, I honor your journey, and I’m here to tell you that you deserve to give and receive from a place of love, fullness, and respect. Keep shining, and learn more about keeping your personal boundaries strong!

Image created by Mental Health Monarchs

Graduating to Generosity: A New Vibe

Once you understand your boundaries, that's where the magic happens. You start to evolve and finally realize that overgiving isn’t helping you or anyone else. This evolution leads you to a beautiful place called genuine generosity.

Genuine generosity comes from a place of fullness, not emptiness. It’s when you give because it brings you joy, not because you’re afraid of losing something or someone. You’re no longer giving to get validation or approval—you’re giving because that’s just who you are. You’re confident, know your worth, and have strong, clear boundaries to protect your emotional body.

This kind of giving is powerful because it doesn’t deplete you; it energizes you. You’re not bending over backward—you’re standing tall, giving what you feel led to give, and you're giving without sacrificing your own well-being. And guess what? The people who receive your generosity when you’re in this space are the ones who actually deserve it. They appreciate it, they reciprocate, and they respect your boundaries.

Knowing Who’s Worthy: Who Deserves Your Generosity?

Let’s talk about discernment—knowing who deserves your generosity and who doesn’t. Here’s a little table to break it down:

Worthy of Your Generosity	Not Worthy of Your Generosity
People who respect your boundaries.	People who consistently ignore your needs.
People who reciprocate your kindness.	People who take and never give back.
People who show genuine appreciation.	People who only reach out when they need something.
People who support your growth.	People who hold you back or undermine your efforts.
People who respect you for who you are.	People who try to change or control you.

It’s crucial to understand that not everyone who receives your generosity is worthy of it. Some folks will take and take without ever considering what they’re giving back. They see your kindness as something to exploit rather than appreciate. And it’s not about being selfish—it’s about being wise with your energy. You deserve to give to those who uplift you, see your worth, and bring value into your life.

Why People Are Takers and Why You’re Not Responsible for Saving Them

So, why do some people take more than they give? Often, it’s because they’re stuck in their own behavior patterns. Takers usually operate from a place of scarcity or entitlement. They might have grown up never learning how to give because they were always on the receiving end, or they might feel that the world owes them something.

But here’s the thing—you’re not responsible for saving these people. You’re not the solution to their problems, and you’re certainly not obligated to be their emotional ATM. Trying to save everyone around you drains you and enables negative behaviors. When you constantly bail someone out or give without boundaries, you prevent them from facing the consequences of their actions. You’re denying them the opportunity to learn, grow, and become self-sufficient.

Saving someone might feel like the right thing to do in the moment, but it often does more harm than good in the long run. It keeps both of you stuck in unhealthy dynamics where one gives too much, and the other takes too much. Breaking free from this pattern means recognizing that you can’t—and shouldn’t—fix everyone. It means understanding that true love and generosity involve allowing others to take responsibility for their own lives.

What to Expect: The Guilt Trip When Your Boundaries Shake the Status Quo

Let’s get real for a minute—when you stop people-pleasing and start setting boundaries, not everyone is going to clap for you. In fact, some folks are going to push back hard. Those who benefited from your lack of boundaries might try to make you feel guilty or wrong for choosing yourself, for daring to say “no,” and for standing ten toes down on your boundaries. They might say things like, “You’ve changed,” or try to paint you as "selfish."

Here’s the thing: this is to be expected, especially from emotionally unhealthy people who are used to taking more than they give. They’ve been comfortable with the dynamic where you give, and they take, so when you shift that balance, it will naturally ruffle some feathers. But don’t let the guilt trip pull you back into behaviors that don’t serve you. Just because someone is uncomfortable with your boundaries doesn’t mean those boundaries aren’t necessary.

This is where you need to hold your ground and remember that your boundaries are about protecting your well-being, not about pleasing others. You’re not responsible for other people’s reactions to your self-care. Their discomfort is a sign that the old ways weren’t healthy for you—and probably weren’t healthy for them either. Stay firm, stay strong, and trust that you’re doing what’s right for you. You’ve already come too far to turn back now!

The Art of Receiving: Knowing You’re Worthy

Let’s shift gears and talk about receiving. For many reformed people-pleasers, receiving can feel uncomfortable—almost like you don’t deserve it. But here’s the reality: you are absolutely, unequivocally worthy of receiving the same grace, love, and generosity that you so freely give to others.

Receiving is just as important as giving. It’s part of the natural balance of relationships. When you allow yourself to receive, you’re not just taking; you’re participating in a cycle of energy that sustains healthy connections. You’re acknowledging that your needs matter, that you deserve to be cared for, and that you’re worthy of abundance in all forms—whether it’s love, kindness, or opportunities.

And let’s be clear—receiving doesn’t make you weak or selfish. It makes you whole. It’s a recognition that you, too, deserve the beauty of life you willingly gave to others. So the next time someone offers you help, a compliment, or even a little extra love—take it in! Let it nourish you. You deserve it.

Affirmations for Reformed People Pleasers

Let’s wrap this up with some affirmations to keep you on track as you navigate the journey from people-pleasing to balanced generosity. Say these to yourself whenever you feel the pull to over-give or whenever you need a reminder of your worth:

• I am worthy of love and respect just as I am.

• I give from a place of abundance, not obligation.

• I set boundaries that protect my energy and well-being.

• I am not responsible for saving others; they are responsible for their own growth.

• I receive the love, kindness, and generosity I give and deserve.

• My worth is not defined by how much I do for others.

• I trust myself to know who is deserving of my time and energy.

Remember, your journey from people-pleaser to empowered giver is a beautiful one. It’s about reclaiming your personal power, setting healthy boundaries, and recognizing that you deserve just as much as you give. You are worthy, you are enough, and you are capable of creating balanced, fulfilling, and deeply nourishing relationships. Keep shining—you’ve got this!

Of course, I must share music I feel aligns with the message. So, vibe out with me, yeah? Ayyyye! 💃🏾

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MHM Music Therapy

At Mental Health Monarchs, we believe in the transformative power of music. Music has been a source of healing, connection, and expression for centuries. Whether it’s a song that lifts your spirits on a tough day or a melody that brings you peace and/or understanding--music can reach deep into our souls. That’s why we’re excited to share our MHM Music Therapy segment—a space where we use the power of music to help you on your mental health journey. Below are songs I have hand-picked to accompany this specific blog post.