Backhanded Compliments: What Did You REALLY Mean By That, Sis? Bro? Keep Your Fake Praise
- Jerusalem Brown, LPC, NCC
- Sep 10, 2024
- 10 min read
Alright, y’all. Let’s talk about one of the most infuriating but often subtle ways people come for your self-esteem—backhanded compliments. You know the ones I’m talking about. The sneaky little remarks that try to play like "praise" but are laced with insult. They leave you blinking, confused for a second, then simmering in the pit of your stomach like, "Wait…was that shade?"
Yeah. That. And I'm here to tell you—we ain't takin' none of it!
What is a Backhanded Compliment, Anyway?
A backhanded compliment is that sideways comment someone makes that, on the surface, seems like a compliment, but when you peel back the layers, it’s loaded with negativity. It’s that 'smile-to-your-face' while their tongue 'cuts-behind-your-back' type of sh*t. It’s meant to make you feel good while also putting you down. It might sound something like:
"You have such a pretty face [for a big girl]!" or "Wow, you’re so smart for someone who didn’t go to college!"
It’s fake love, wrapped up in insecurity, and it’s meant to knock you off balance while the person throwing it feels a little taller. But I’m here to teach you how to peep it, flip it, and throw it right back without breaking a sweat. Let’s get into why these comments happen, how to spot them, and, more importantly, how to keep your crown in place while checking these fools, I mean, folks and their mess. Let the shenanigans begin!
Why Do Backhanded Compliments Happen?
First things first—backhanded compliments directly reflect the other person’s issues, not yours. It’s about their insecurities, their jealousy, or maybe their desperate need to be liked while still managing to tear someone else down. Many folks have a hard time seeing someone shine (because they may feel small in comparison), so instead of saying, "You’re fabulous," they say something shady like, "Wow, you’re so articulate for someone from your background!"
[Insert STFU, here].
But here’s the thing—people like this aren’t bold enough to straight-up insult you. They want to seem 'nice' and knock you off your imagined pedestal a little bit. So they throw out this "compliment" that’s more of a trap than a real acknowledgment of your greatness.
Recognize the Off-Putting Vibe
How Backhanded Compliments Land in Your Body
Let’s be real: your body doesn’t lie. It will tell you when someone’s energy is off or when their words cut instead of heal. The moment someone gives you one of these backhanded compliments, take a moment to check in to see how it lands on you. You’ll feel it, trust me. Better yet, TRUST YOU.
Here’s what to look out for:
A Tight Chest: Like you just got winded by a low-key punch to the gut. That’s your body telling you that something’s off.
Your Stomach Drops: That feeling of discomfort in your core? It’s because the compliment was wrapped in some serious shade, and your gut picked it up.
Hot Face or Neck: When you feel that rush of heat in your face, it’s your body processing a hit to your confidence or self-esteem. Even if your brain hasn’t caught up, your body knows something slick just happened.
Uneasy Smile: You know the smile I’m talking about—the one you force because your mind is saying, "Did they just…?" but you’re trying to be polite.
This list is not exhaustive, but if you pay attention to yourself, you can hone in on your unique body cues. When you feel these things, your body waves a big ol’ flag: This feels yucky, awkward, or uncomfortable. That wasn’t a genuine compliment. It’s time to stop and reassess. In other words, PAY ATTENTION.
Why Do People Use Backhanded Compliments?
So why do people feel the need to hand out these passive-aggressive nuggets of disrespect (bars! 🎶) in the first place? It’s simple: insecurity and control. Let’s break it down:
Insecurity: People who feel threatened by your confidence, beauty, intelligence, or talent often try to bring you down to their level with these backhanded comments. They don’t feel good enough, so they dim your light to make their light feel a little brighter, but at your expense!
Jealousy: Some folks can’t stand to see you thriving. Instead of celebrating your wins, they throw salt on you with a compliment that’s also a dig.
Power Dynamics: People who want to feel in control might use backhanded compliments to assert dominance without looking like the bad guy. They can say something rude but still cover it up by calling it a "compliment." Nuh-uh, you ain't slick. We see you.
Fear of Direct Confrontation: They might not have the guts to criticize you outright, so they hide their shade in fake kindness, thinking it’ll hurt less or fly under the radar. The gag is that it doesn’t. You feel it. We feel it.
How to Maintain Your Power and Give Them Their BS Back
Now, here’s the part that’ll have you floating out the door with your head high, not even phased by the shade. The key to combating backhanded compliments is refusing to engage in the negativity they offer. Here’s how to handle these comments with grace, wit, and hella confidence.
Step 1: Stay Centered in Your Power
You don't always have to react immediately when someone tries to hand you a backhanded compliment. Take a second. Breathe. You know who you are and what you’re about. Someone else’s attempt to chip away at your confidence says everything about them and nothing about you. Let that fact settle in your bones before you respond.
Step 2: Flip It On Them
One of the most powerful things you can do is flip their insult on its head. Sometimes, a simple "Thank you!" is enough to throw them off. They expect you to feel 'some type of way,' but when you respond with genuine positivity, you just let them know their BS didn’t land.
Example:
Them: "Wow, you’re pretty confident for someone who’s not really my type."
You: "Thank you! Confidence looks good on me, doesn’t it?"
That flip? Flawless.
Step 3: Call It Out (With Finesse)
If you’re feeling extra bold, call them out. You don’t have to be nasty, but a subtle check will make them think twice before trying that again. Something like:
Them: "You’re pretty smart for a girl who doesn’t have a degree."
You: "I’m pretty smart, period. And it seems like you might have some feelings about that."
This approach lets them know you peeped the shade without being overly confrontational.
Step 4: Redirect the Energy
If the person is someone you must see often, like a coworker or family member, you may not want to stir the pot every time. In these cases, redirecting the energy can help you keep things smooth while maintaining your power.
Example:
Them: "That’s a bold outfit for someone your size."
You: "I love expressing myself through fashion! How about you?"
This response moves the conversation away from their attempt at shade and back to a neutral topic.
Step 5: Challenge / Question Them
Here are ten sassy responses to backhanded compliments, phrased as questions to challenge the speaker:
"Did you mean to say that out loud?"
"What exactly did you mean by that?"
"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"
"Was that shade, or are you just confused?"
"Are you trying to insult me and compliment me at the same time?"
"Do you hear how that sounds?"
"Are you sure that’s what you wanted to say?"
"Did you just compliment me or yourself?"
"Is that your way of making yourself feel better?"
"Was that supposed to make me feel good?"
Step 6: Silence Is Golden
Sometimes, the most potent response is no response at all. When someone tries to throw shade in the form of a compliment, and you smile or give them a blank stare, it forces them to sit with the weight of their words. No reaction means you’re not giving them the satisfaction of seeing you shaken or stirred.
These responses flip the script and subtly make the speaker reflect on their words.
The Shade Detector: How to Spot Backhanded Compliments, Decode Your Body’s Signals, & Clap Back with Personal Power
The chart below captures backhanded compliments, how they possibly land on you (via body signal or feeling), and potential responses to maintain your power and flip the script. Let's go!
Backhanded Compliment | Body Signal/Feeling | Powerful Response |
"You have a pretty face for a big girl." | Tight chest, heat in face | "Thank you. I’m pretty fabulous all around." |
"You’re so brave to wear that!" | Uneasy smile, stomach drop | "Confidence is key, don’t you think?" |
"I could never pull that off, but good for you!" | Tense shoulders, forced smile | Ooh, chile,' my confidence isn’t for sale—but if you ask nicely, I might share some with you! |
"You look great for your age!" | Hot face, clenched jaw | "I look great at any age, darling." |
"You’re pretty smart for not having a degree." | Heart racing, tight throat | "Intelligence isn’t limited to a classroom, right?" |
"You’re so articulate for someone like you." | Knots in stomach, uncomfortable grin | "Thank you! What do you mean by 'someone like me'?" |
"It’s nice you don’t care what people think." | Stomach drop, flushed face | "Why would I? Their opinions don’t define me." |
"You’re so lucky you don’t have to worry about your looks." | Tight throat, heavy heart | "I actually work hard at everything, including this glow." |
"You’re too pretty to be single!" | Jaw tight, hot face | "Looks aren’t everything. I’m waiting for someone who matches my worth." |
"I could never be as bold as you." | Uneasy feeling, shallow breath | "Thank you! Boldness has always been one of my strengths." |
"You’d be perfect if you lost a little weight." | Heart racing, nausea | "I’m already perfect as I am, but thanks for your concern." |
"It must be nice not to have to worry about being too thin." | Stomach flutter, tense chest | "I’m focused on being healthy and happy, not on size." |
"You're so pretty for a dark-skinned girl." | Knot in stomach, tight chest | "Thank you, I’m beautiful for any skin tone." |
"You’re not like other Black women I know." | Heat rising in face, tight jaw | "You should get to know more Black women, we’re all amazing." |
"You look really exotic!" | Uneasy smile, awkward pause | "Thank you. You look…local." |
"I didn’t expect you to be so good at this!" | Raised eyebrows, stomach drop | "I didn’t expect you to underestimate me." |
"You have such striking features." | Hot face, slightly confused smile | "Yes, I do, and they run in the family!" |
"You clean up nicely." | Uneasy smile, throat tight | "I always look good; you just caught me on an off day." |
"I never see you as someone who’s that sensitive." | Tight chest, awkward grin | "I’m in touch with all my emotions—just like anyone should be." |
"You’re too smart to be so emotional." | Heavy heart, tense throat | "Intelligence and emotional depth aren’t mutually exclusive." |
Navigating Backhanded Compliments: The Silent Power Move
You know that feeling when someone says something so slick, and it doesn’t hit you until you’re halfway home? 🤔😡 Yeah, that’s the game people who throw backhanded compliments tend to play. They want you to second-guess yourself, but let me tell you, there is nothing more powerful than not letting them get to you. The silent power move can be your best friend here. Here's why and how:
1. Don’t Internalize It--Reject It
The first step in protecting your peace from backhanded compliments is knowing that this person’s words do not reflect your worth. Don’t let someone’s sideways comment worm its way into your self-esteem. Their words are rooted in their own insecurity, not your reality.
Remember, a confident person uplifts others. A person throwing shade is trying to dim your light because they can’t handle its brightness. That’s their problem, not yours.
2. Master the Art of the Pause
You don’t have to respond right away. In fact, one of the most powerful things you can do is pause. Let that backhanded comment sit in the air for a second. Let the person stew in their own awkwardness as you take your time to process. Sometimes the most devastatingly effective response is a simple raised eyebrow or a thoughtful nod, followed by silence. You don’t always have to give them a witty comeback or clap back. Let your silence be the statement.
3. Stay Unbothered
Here’s the kicker: people tend to throw backhanded compliments because they want to get under your skin. They want you to feel some type of way. The best revenge? Don’t give them what they want. When you remain unbothered—whether with a smile, a thank you, or a completely neutral response—you let them know their attempt to knock you down didn’t even register. You’re untouchable, sis/bro. And, if NOT, go cry in the car--not in front of THEM!
Them: "Wow, you’re surprisingly good at this!"
You (smiling): "Surprising to YOU, maybe."
Boo-yah! You’ve subtly handed their BS back to them without losing a step.
Why Holding Your Power Is Essential
The most important thing to remember when dealing with backhanded compliments is that your power is yours. Don’t let someone’s passive-aggressive nonsense make you question who you are, what you’ve accomplished, or how worthy you are of greatness. These little digs are meant to make you shrink, but baby, you were born to take up space! (***Special shout out to Ashley Shivers for sharing this with me! 👇🏿)
Holding your power means not letting anyone shake your confidence. It means knowing your value, regardless of what anyone says or tries to imply. When you walk into a room, you walk in as your full self—unapologetically. And if someone has an issue with that? That’s on them.
Final Thoughts: Stand Tall Sis / Bro
We all know people who hand out compliments that are more about tearing you down than lifting you up. But you don’t have to accept their BS. You’re allowed to stand tall, own your worth, and politely (or not-so-politely) hand them back their thinly veiled shade. You have the right to exist in all your glory, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology for your greatness.
Next time someone tries to throw a backhanded compliment your way, remember this: You don’t have to take it. You can acknowledge it for what it is, address it how you see fit, and keep it moving without letting it inside of you. Whether you decide to flip the compliment, call it out, or simply walk away, your power remains intact. And let’s be clear—that’s the real flex.
So next time someone says, "You have a pretty face," you smile and say, "B*tch, I have a pretty body, too. TF!" And then, keep it movin’, queen. 😎
Now, take this lesson, print it out, hang it on your mirror, and make sure the next time someone tries to come for you, they leave with their tail between their legs. You’re too fierce to fall for that mess. ✌🏿
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