The Unspoken Impact of Childhood Emotional Neglect on Adult Interpersonal Relationships
- Bishop Butterscotch
- Sep 18, 2023
- 10 min read
Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a silent infiltrator, subtle, and an under-recognized but highly influential factor in the development of adult emotional health and interpersonal dynamics. Its relative obscurity in discussions around childhood adversities makes it an insidious form of emotional malnourishment, often leading to long-term consequences that can be both complex and elusive.
One reason CEN is less discussed is its less "dramatic" presentation compared to other forms of childhood traumas, such as physical or emotional abuse. It operates in the realm of "absence" rather than "presence." Whereas abuse is an active form of harm, neglect is a passive form, defined more by what didn't happen—lack of emotional availability, validation, and responsiveness from caregivers—rather than what did. Because of this subtlety, it often remains unidentified, even into adulthood. Many individuals may not even be aware that they experienced CEN, attributing their emotional struggles to other factors, leading to misunderstandings and misdiagnoses.
Another factor contributing to its lack of visibility is cultural. In certain communities or family systems where emotional expression is stigmatized or devalued, CEN may be normalized. People might grow up with the belief that it's not only normal but also perhaps virtuous to neglect emotional needs. This makes the identification and discourse around CEN even more challenging.
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)?
Childhood Emotional Neglect is a term coined by psychologist, Dr. Jonice Webb, to describe a type of invisible emotional deprivation that many individuals aren't even aware they've experienced. Unlike overt emotional abuse or physical neglect, CEN is about what didn't happen in your childhood. Unlike emotional abuse, which is easier to pinpoint due to overt behaviors, CEN operates in the realm of absence—absence of emotional validation, absence of attention to a child’s emotional needs (Webb, 2012).
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) | Healthier Alternatives |
Parents dismiss or ignore child's feelings | Parents validate and address child's emotional needs |
Inconsistent emotional support | Consistent emotional support and availability |
Recommended Reading & Viewing:
Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb
YouTube: Dr. Jonice Webb’s channel on CEN
The Effect on Emotional and Cognitive Development
During formative years, the consistent emotional absence of a caregiver can result in long-lasting cognitive distortions such as low self-worth, difficulty identifying feelings, and a tendency to externalize self-value (Chapman et al., 2004). Essentially, if you grow up feeling your emotions and thoughts are unimportant, this forms a part of your internal narrative. Moreover, these effects can be magnified in communities of color, where systemic oppressions often necessitate that emotional needs take a backseat to survival needs (Stevens-Watkins et al., 2014).
Effect on Emotional Development in CEN | Healthier Alternatives |
Difficulty identifying feelings | Emotional intelligence and self-awareness |
Low self-worth | Healthy self-esteem and self-worth |
Recommended Reading & Viewing:
The Development of Emotional Intelligence by Karen L. Suyemoto
YouTube: YaleCourses - "The Psychology of Emotional Intelligence"
Cultural Implications & Gender Perspectives
The conversation around Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) cannot be comprehensive without taking cultural perspectives into account. Cultures around the world have varied ways of understanding emotional expression and emotional needs. In some cultures, for example, stoicism is highly valued, and emotional needs may be subordinated to communal and familial responsibilities. In others, open emotional expression might be encouraged, but only within certain gender norms or social structures. By understanding these cultural nuances, both professionals and individuals can better contextualize the impact of CEN and adapt coping strategies accordingly. It opens the door for culturally responsive therapeutic interventions that respect diverse cultural expressions of emotion and family dynamics, which is key to addressing CEN effectively.
Collectivist vs Individualist Cultures
Interestingly, CEN is universal, but its interpretation and manifestation may vary across cultures. In collectivist societies, family needs may overshadow individual emotional needs, making CEN harder to identify but not less detrimental (Chen et al., 2014). In collectivist cultures, where community well-being often takes precedence over individual needs, the emotional needs of a child may be subordinated to the broader needs of the family or community. This could manifest as pressuring the child to suppress their emotional struggles to maintain family harmony.
On the other hand, in individualist cultures, there's often an emphasis on personal emotional health, but this can sometimes come with the expectation that children should be emotionally self-sufficient at an early age. This can lead to a different but equally harmful form of emotional neglect.
CEN in Different Cultures | Healthier Alternatives |
Collectivist cultures may overlook individual emotional needs | Balancing individual emotional needs with collective needs |
Immigrant and Diaspora Communities
CEN in immigrant and diaspora communities may manifest differently due to the stresses of acculturation and identity negotiation. Emotional neglect may occur as parents struggle to navigate a new socio-cultural environment, leading to a focus on survival needs over emotional well-being.
Gender Norms and Emotional Expression
In many cultures, gender norms play a significant role in emotional expression. Gender also plays a role in how CEN manifests. For example, boys might be encouraged to suppress emotions like sadness or vulnerability, considered "unmanly," thereby experiencing a form of emotional neglect. As adults, men may emotionally withdraw, adhering to these stereotypical notions of masculinity (Eldridge & Christensen, 2002). In contrast, girls may be socialized to over-emphasize emotional expression, creating its own set of challenges. As women who are generally socialized to be emotionally expressive, they often become over-responsible for emotional labor in their adult relationships.
CEN & Gender | Healthier Alternatives |
Women over-responsible for emotional labor | Balanced emotional labor in relationships |
Men emotionally withdraw | Emotional availability and expression in men |
Table: Cultural Comparison of Healthy Emotional Attunement vs Emotional Neglect in Childhood
Culture/Aspect | Healthy Emotional Attunement | Indicators of Emotional Neglect |
Collectivist | Emotional needs discussed within the broader context of family and community needs. | Emotional needs suppressed for the sake of family or societal harmony. |
Individualist | Encouragement of self-expression and acknowledgment of individual emotional needs. | Pressure for early emotional self-sufficiency, leading to neglect. |
Gender Norms | Equal emotional validation and expression encouraged regardless of gender. | Restricted emotional expression based on gender norms. |
Immigrant/Diaspora | Balancing emotional needs with the challenges of acculturation; supportive family dialogue. | Focus on survival or acculturation at the expense of emotional dialogue. |
Recommended Reading & Viewing:
The Cultural Nature of Human Development by Barbara Rogoff
YouTube: "Individualism vs Collectivism in Psychology" by Psychology Unlocked
The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild
YouTube: "The Mask You Live In" (Documentary Trailer)
Ethnicity and Family Therapy by Monica McGoldrick, Joe Giordano, and Nydia Garcia-Preto
YouTube: Dr. Thema's talk on "Cultural Factors in Trauma"
The Effect on Adult Interpersonal Relationships
Adults who have experienced CEN often have difficulty in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. Their foundational understanding of relational dynamics may be distorted, rooted in the fear of vulnerability and an underlying narrative that their feelings don’t matter. They may adopt avoidant attachment styles, displaying a pseudo-independence that masks their emotional detachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
As adults, those who experienced CEN often find themselves navigating relationships with a vague sense of emotional detachment or disconnection. Because they've internalized the notion that their feelings are unimportant or even a burden, they may fail to assert their emotional needs or recognize the emotional needs of others. This results in patterns of avoidance, disengagement, or even overcompensation in interpersonal relationships.
The crux is that CEN doesn't announce itself loudly; instead, it quietly infiltrates multiple facets of life, making it hard to pinpoint but impossible to ignore once identified. This subtlety often leads to misunderstandings. Partners, friends, or colleagues might interpret the individual's emotional absence as indifference, arrogance, or lack of interest, unaware that it stems from a deeply-rooted emotional neglect experienced in childhood.
Romantic Relationships
In romantic partnerships, CEN manifests as emotional unavailability, fear of intimacy, or an overwhelming anxiety surrounding vulnerability. Such individuals might gravitate towards partners who are similarly emotionally distant, reinforcing the cycle. Alternatively, they may enter relationships with emotionally expressive individuals, leading to an imbalance in emotional labor and eventual strain.
Friendships
In friendships, CEN can translate to a lack of depth or intimacy. Such individuals might have numerous acquaintances but very few people they can truly call 'close friends.' They might find it difficult to reach out during times of emotional need or be there for friends who are emotionally vulnerable, which can make their friendships seem superficial or transactional.
Professional Relationships
In professional settings, CEN may appear as a highly focused, task-oriented approach, often at the expense of emotional intelligence. While this may yield productivity, it can also limit the individual's capacity for teamwork, compromise, and conflict resolution—qualities essential for long-term career growth. CEN can also affect interpersonal relationships in workplaces and social settings by manifesting as hypersensitivity to criticism or an inability to sustain collective endeavors. The self-perception of being 'unimportant' can lead to a tendency to undermine one's own successes, manifesting in work environments as imposter syndrome (Clance & Imes, 1978).
Effect on Adult Relationships in CEN | Healthier Alternatives |
Avoidant attachment style | Secure attachment style |
Fear of vulnerability | Openness and emotional availability |
Recommended Reading & Viewing:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Pathways to Healing
The Hidden Costs to Misunderstanding CEN
Misunderstanding CEN can have detrimental consequences. For instance, mental health professionals may diagnose symptoms that are actually manifestations of CEN as standalone disorders like depression or anxiety. While comorbidity can indeed exist, failure to address the root cause—CEN—can result in less effective treatment outcomes.
Furthermore, these misunderstandings can extend to self-perception. Individuals with CEN might internalize society's misunderstanding of their symptoms, further reinforcing their belief that their feelings are invalid or unimportant. This can form a self-perpetuating cycle that's hard to break without professional intervention.
In summary, Childhood Emotional Neglect is a nuanced, multi-layered issue that we're only beginning to fully understand. It is highly impactful, deeply ingrained, and often misunderstood, necessitating a more nuanced approach for identification and treatment. With growing awareness and understanding, however, there is hope for more effective interventions and support systems that address the condition's complexity.
Recovery
The first step on the journey of recovering from CEN is always personal recognition, often facilitated by professional guidance. Recovery also involves understanding the interconnectedness between past neglect and present relational challenges, typically a realization facilitated by psychotherapy. Techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness practices, and even narrative therapy can offer pathways to rewriting those internalized stories (Beck, 2011). First, self-awareness is encouraged to help you identify the unhealthy coping mechanisms you may have adopted due to CEN. Below, I will compare unhealthy ways CEN survivors tend to cope versus healthier alternatives, which can be taught in psychotherapy or via the Mental Health Monarchs' forum.
CEN Coping Mechanism | Description | Healthier Alternative | Description |
Emotional Suppression | Ignoring or invalidating your own feelings to avoid vulnerability. | Emotional Awareness | Regularly checking in with oneself to understand and validate feelings. |
Intellectualization | Over-relying on logic and reasoning to avoid emotional discomfort. | Balanced Thinking | Using both emotional and rational faculties to make decisions. |
Substance Abuse | Using drugs, alcohol, or food to numb emotional pain. | Mindfulness and Self-care | Employing mindfulness techniques and self-care rituals to handle emotional distress. |
Overachievement | Using accomplishments to gain external validation and distract from internal emptiness. | Self-Compassion | Learning to self-validate through internal means like self-love and acceptance. |
Avoidance | Staying away from emotionally charged situations or conversations. | Emotional Courage | Practicing vulnerability by participating in emotionally challenging interactions. |
Perfectionism | Attempting to achieve flawlessness to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. | Self-Acceptance | Understanding that it's okay to have flaws and make mistakes. |
Emotional Isolation | Limiting deep emotional connections with others to protect oneself from potential abandonment or rejection. | Emotional Intimacy | Opening up to trustworthy people to foster deeper relationships. |
People-Pleasing | Overextending oneself to make others happy at the expense of one's own needs. | Assertiveness | Expressing one's own needs and setting boundaries. |
Hyper-Responsibility | Taking on excessive responsibilities to feel valuable and distract from emotional voids. | Delegation and Trust | Sharing responsibilities and trusting others to fulfill their roles. |
Emotional Mimicry | Copying other people's emotional responses because of uncertainty about one's own feelings. | Authentic Emotional Response | Learning to identify and express your unique emotional reactions. |
These healthier alternatives aren't just about modifying behavior; they often require a deeper exploration of one's emotional landscape. Many may find it beneficial to engage with a psychotherapist skilled in treating CEN to delve into these coping mechanisms and explore healthier alternatives more effectively. There's a wealth of literature and resources to help with this journey. Here are a few:
Recommended Reading & Viewing:
Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman
YouTube: "Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn"
The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame by Pete Walker
YouTube: Dr. Gabor Maté's talk on "The Need For Authenticity"
Final Thoughts
This article is intended as a deep dive into the complexities surrounding Childhood Emotional Neglect and its impact on adult relationships. Each individual's experience is unique, influenced by a myriad of factors including but not limited to their cultural, economic, and social context. Childhood Emotional Neglect is a pervasive, often overlooked factor that plays a critical role in the development of adult interpersonal relationships. By recognizing the nuanced ways it interacts with various social determinants like culture, gender, and socioeconomic status, we can deepen our understanding and work towards holistic mental health solutions. Therefore, the path to healing must be as individualized as the experiences themselves. As such, the first step in healing is always awareness, which is best facilitated by a qualified mental health professional (or MHM). Remember, this journey is about progress, not perfection. Therefore, as you begin to explore healthier alternatives, be gentle with yourself. Consistent, incremental change often yields the most sustainable outcomes.
Let the journey begin!
***Please keep in mind that while recommended readings and viewing links lead to valuable resources, they should not replace professional advice from a qualified mental health specialist. It's crucial to consult experts for personalized care and therapeutic interventions.
References
Webb, J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. Morgan James Publishing.
Chapman, A., Gratz, K. L., & Brown, M. Z. (2004). Solving the puzzle of deliberate self-harm: The experiential avoidance model. Behaviour research and therapy, 42(3), 371-394.
Stevens-Watkins, D., Sharma, S., Knighton, J. S., Oser, C. B., & Leukefeld, C. G. (2014). Examining Cultural Correlates of Active Coping Among African American Female Trauma Survivors. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 6(4), 328–336.
Chen, X., Wang, L., & Cao, R. (2011). Shyness-Sensitivity and Unsociability in Rural Chinese Children: Relations with Social, School, and Psychological Adjustment. Child Development, 82(5), 1531–1543.
Eldridge, K. A., & Christensen, A. (2002). Demand–withdraw communication during couple conflict: A review and analysis. Understanding marriage: Developments in the study of couple interaction, 289-322.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Clance, P. R., & Imes, S. A. (1978). The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 15(3), 241–247.
Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Second Edition: Basics and Beyond. The Guilford Press.
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